To school, or not to school.

My younger son, my baby,  started school two weeks ago, a first grader. He doesn’t want to go, he cried all summer, he didn’t even want to celebrate his birthday, because  he knew that six years old means school.

I tried my best, I tried to persuade him that school is a great place, he’ll get to know other kids, he’ll get new friends. I bought him a school bag that he chose, with a  sharp teeth shark image on it, clothes with his favorite superheroes, and he got exited…we were all there the first day, the most important day of his life, he even did the fake smile for my sake on the picture above, but his heart was beating faster, his skin got pale, his mouth was drying out. He didn’t want to speak, he didn’t even say his name.

I felt like I had failed, and I did. I gave him to much attention, to much love and hundreds of hugs and kisses per day.

Changes are hard, but necessary. And we both failed. We are bonded, attached to each other, like conjoint twins, we can’t get apart.

He cries everyday. I cry everyday, too, when I am not with him, at work, in the bathroom, when I iron his little clothes.

It feels like I am taking away his freedom, the freedom of being himself.

He has learned English Language fluently, just by watching cartoons and videos, he has learned the numbers and adding just by himself, he has learned the letters to make google searches, when he can’t write the words, he would make a voice search on google, honestly I never knew there was an option like that.

He watches videos of human body structure, he explores every human organ by analyzing their functions, and explain to me in details. Asks me who created us,  the Earth, the Moon, who created God. He is a little genius, but he doesn’t want to go to school…What in earth he will learn there, rules?

Rules, on how he can’t be himself, how can he be an instrument? A droid probably!?

I don’t have answers for all these questions, I really don’t. But, I know I love him and that is the only thing I can offer, not a solution to his anxiety, and I know he loves me too, and he makes me proud, of who he is, a little human with a great heart.

Life had tough me, that after great struggles, the answers reveal itself and I believe in the process of life. Everything will turn out great, a miracle will happen. But today, I needed to write this, today I need to cry.